Day 24

``...you just never know what might happen in the future.``  Within the past two months, I've gained such a clear understanding of the truth in this quote.  I don't know if there is any hidden meaning in that phrase, but it doesn't matter anymore.  I deserve it anyway. 

For the past few days I have been afraid to check my email.  I kind of knew what the answer would be just based on logic.  But not having a definite answer meant there was still room to hope.  Now even that hope is gone.  I will still put in an application anyway and try.  No harm in that.  Then again, I was also wrong in my prediction of the outcome for the very first interview that I had, so maybe something will come out of this too?  Who knows.  I do believe that our fates are already laid before us.

I had gotten what I had asked for--  an enormous learning opportunity.  In the past four weeks I have indeed learned so much--  not just about technical things, but also about myself.  What I like;  what I can't stand.  The type of environment I feel most comfortable in.  I guess in life there are certain mistakes that we're bound to make just because of our personalities and outlook.  I'd rather make more of those mistakes and bad decisions when I am younger.  ``The more obstacles and disappointments you encounter in your youth, the more open-minded you will be in the future.`` 

I won't force myself to like this.  I don't believe in that method.  What I could do is focus on what this position gives me, rather than how miserable it is making me.  Income I guess would be the biggest thing.  Each shift brings me some bling--  the stuff that I need to survive and to gradually reduce my student loans.  The other is the self-knowledge that we all need to be happy in life.  I read somewhere that the key to happiness is knowing yourself, and then accordingly avoid the situations that make you uncomfortable and miserable.  The passing of each day means I am getting closer and closer to quitting time.  Really, I don't even need to stay for a full 365 days. 

I know it is completely up to me to tweak my mentality and not be overwhelmed by this soul-sucking job, but it's nice to get a bit of help sometimes.  I'm grateful for the chance re-encounter of a song that I long forgotten about. 

我這六年　一天一天　聽酒客　自語自言

怨氣震天　即使我　越聽越厭

我卻笑著前來賺多點錢   來年讓我去開間花店

來年, please come quickly! 

Day 8

Dear Agatha,

Please remember that no matter how unbearable your present circumstances are, they are not permanent.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel that you can look forward to.  Neither good nor bad times last forever.  Every situation has its pros and cons.  Circumstances are never perferct.  The stars will never align exactly as you envision.  There is also no one factor that will single-handedly make or break you, so stop worrying about all the details, and just try your best.  Take each day as it comes. Don't worry about next year, just focus on accomplishing what you need to accomplish today!  Once you have realized that, life actually becomes quite simple-- and a lot more bearable. 

Make it a goal to be more open-minded and receptive to new things and new people.  In the end, everything in life is just a learning experience.  Take what you can from this place and leave after a year.  If you are able to take it day by day, a year should fly by in no time.  There will be times, during the day, when you will need to escape.  Give yourself permission to do so.  It is not laziness;  it is a survival tactic.

And please do not think back and regret anymore.  As a friend once said:  Once you've chosen a path, just go with it and never look back.  We will never know whether a certain choice was wise or foolish because we can never walk through all options and compare their outcomes.  Stop thinking with the mindset of a citizen of a parallel universe. 

I should probably focus on learning something new as a personal hobby to take my mind off work--  perhaps Chinese typing? 

I don't know whether it is true that what does not kill only makes us stronger, but I do know that the coping skills that I develop from overcoming this challenge will prepare me for the next (greater) obstacle in my life.  After all, life is really just a series of obstacles and challenges.  Remember that you are only in your early twenties.  If you can't even handle this challenge, how can you face the rest of your life?

So bring on the countdown!  As each minute passes by, I am only getting closer to my destination. 

以後無論有多驚怕, 世事無論有多可怕, 你亦能面對不必害怕

A means to an end

Somewhere along the line, I had suddenly forgotten what the word “responsibility” meant.  I became wildly irresponsible and irrational, to the point where I was bringing irreparable damage upon myself.  Everything was just a means to an end.  I didn’t put an ounce of conscientiousness and genuine concern into anything that I did.  But the scariest thing was:  I didn’t even notice this;  I didn’t even think of it as being a problem.  It wasn’t until recently that I had realized, for the first time, what I had become.  Like a deer caught in headlights, I keep asking myself:  how did I turn into such a mess? 

Your family really is the only people in the world who will refuse to give up on you even when you’ve given up on yourself.  They will believe in you even when you no longer believe in yourself.  They will voluntarily provide you with a reason (that is usually beyond your control) to explain your behaviour.  Sometimes what they say may be true, sometimes it’s just pure bullshit.  Whatever it is, it doesn’t matter anymore.  I have to take responsibility for what I do.  But thank you for your unconditional love, patience, and tolerance.

For a time, because nothing on its own meant nothing to me, I was consistently late for everything in my personal life.  What’s the point of being punctual when your friend will not fire you or write you a bad reference letter for being late?  It doesn’t matter!  But it does.  Then one day, my friend just couldn’t tolerate my behaviour anymore.  She confronted me about this.  The means actually mean a lot more than the end.  All along, I’ve been getting everything confused.  I was wearing my life inside-out.  The ends are really just a secondary issue.  The focus should always have been on the means.  Things need to be done well for the sake of being done well, not for the benefits that they could bring you.  There is no utilitarian value to being on time for your friends and family because they will always forgive you.  But it is your responsibility to be on time.  The irony, of course, is that to truly use something as a means to an end, the last thing you’d want to do is just that.

Every once in a while we come across a book that lifts us right out of our muddled thoughts and offers us a completely new perspective.  The most precious of these books are not the ones that we spend hours searching for on Amazon or forums.  They are the ones that unexpectedly pop into your life as you are weaving in and out

between the shelves at a bookstore, as you are flipping aimlessly through a magazine and come across a book review, or as you take a leap of faith in accepting a recommendation by a friend. While reaping rewards that you deserve through hard work calls for a celebration, coming across fortunes that you had not expect, is a

completely different type of joy.

I wouldn't say you are particularly well-written.  You aren't even the type that I would normally pick up, but maybe that is what made you 'the one' for me.  To me, you are that book that I had ambitiously picked out not knowing that it was actually not age-appropriate for me.  And by being not age-appropriate, I mean I lacked the life experience and insight to truly understand.  I knew the definition of every word that came out of your mouth, but I could not see the sarcasm, the irony, the double-meaning stacked methodically behind them.  I just simply could not read you. You are different. You are the odd one out, but somehow I see traces of myself in you.  I can

relate to you in that aspect, and maybe that's why I like you.  I am difficult to understand because I don't talk about myself.  You are hard to read because you talk too much about yourself.  My wall is made out of bricks that shut people out of the innermost parts of my psyche. Your wall is constructed from random stories and statements that you throw out here and there to hide your true content.  

To me, you are that book that I picked off the shelf out of wonder, but that I now know is beyond my capabilities and experience.  Thank you for all the psychological crafts that you have inadvertently taught me.  If one day we meet again, perhaps by then I would have the wisdom to read through you.

Good luck.